life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
