Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
