what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
