When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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