please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
