my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
