happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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