How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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