Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I met the friendliest cop last night
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
