I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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