I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
