i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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