I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
should my penis look like a turkey
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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