Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
