Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
