We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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