the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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