she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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