FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have fence marks all over my body
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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