I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
