its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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