It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
