Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
