Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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