I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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