I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That was an excessively violent trivia night
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
