Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
