Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize