Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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