Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
