Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
