if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
