i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize