His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
