This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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