And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
