I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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