I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
