8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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