the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
