You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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