my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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