You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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