So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
