i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
