benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
