If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
