And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
