Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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