all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We left the knife in your bed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
