so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
