I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize