He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
