just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
