i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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