If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
