there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
