what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
