sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
