i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't turn off my feet"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
