Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
