if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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