I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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