So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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